I wake up at 8:30

"Please help me doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 7!"

"But that is a very healthy thing, Mr. Richards!"

"It would be, if I didn't usually wake up at 8:30!"

Itemized Bill of Orrhopedic Surgeon

A well known, rich business man's wife broke her hip. 

The business man got the best orthopedic surgeon in town to do the operation, which consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it.

The operation went smoothly, and the doctor sent the businessman a bill for $5,000 for his services.

The business man, outraged at the high price, sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. 

The doctor responded to the letter with the following:

 

1 Screw: $1.00 Knowing how to put it in: $4,999

Total: $5,000

The business man never argued.

😂😂😂😂

Something wrong with Eyes.

“Doctor, I think there’s something wrong with my eyes.”

“I think so too. This is a post office.”

Once upon a time!!

Patient: I'm afraid I've caught poetry.

Doctor: Don't worry, I used to suffer from short stories.

Patient: Really?When?

Doctor: Once upon a time.

Intelligent Doctor

My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it!

Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and bring me a new video camera.

Funny Marriage Jokes

Some Marriage's Insights:

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

About 30 pounds.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."

I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.

Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.

Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.

After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."

The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

You have a cute baby

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

😂😂😂😂😂

Doctors on a mission

The phone rings in the middle of the night at a doctor's house. He answers it and it's his friend who is also a doctor, he says:

"We need a 4th player for our cards game. Do you want to come over?"

He gets up quickly and starts dressing, when the wife asks:

"Is it something serious?"

"You can bet on it. There are 3 doctors in there already and they need my help."

What is an Idiot?

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?

Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?

Son: No.

What happens when you invite a friend for supper

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

No More Kids

My wife and I decided that we don't want to have children anymore.

So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.

😂😂😂😂😂

5 things Indian Movies teach us

5 things Indian Movies teach us:

1. At least one of the identical twins is born evil.

2. While defusing a bomb, don't worry, whichever wire you cut... you always choose the right one.

3. A hero will show no pain while getting beaten up; but will show pain when a girl cleans up his wounds. 

4. A detective can solve a case only when he is suspended from duty.

The most hilarious one..

5. If you decide to start dancing on the street, everyone you meet will know the steps.

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂

5 things American Movies Teach Us

5 things American Movies Teach Us:

1. Chinese have nothing better to do than teaching or practice Kung Fu.

2. More than 50% of U.S. population are FBI/CIA agents, working undercover.

3. The purpose of school system of U.S. is to promote Basketball/Baseball.

4. Aliens have special interest in attacking the U.S.

5. U.S. is a place where you can meet all mythical creatures like werewolves & vampires.

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Who said that english is easy?

English Questions

Who said that english is easy?

Fill in this blank with YES or NO.

__________, I don't have a brain.

__________, I don't have a sense.

__________, I am stupid.

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Online Shopping

Online Shopping Joke

A man was arrested by the police after he stole his neighbour's clothes on the washing line.

He claimed he was doing online shopping.

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

National Lottery Draw

National Lottery Draw Joke

A pastor was praying for a demon-possessed man.

He shouted, "In the name of Jesus, what do you want from this Man?! Speak! Before I cast you out into the lake of fire!

The demon in the man said, "I want him to win the National Lottery Draw worth 200million naira tonight."

 The pastor subtly lowered the microphone and whispered, "Get out of him and enter into me."

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Story of Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.

Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did.

Somebody got angry about this, because it was Everybody's job.

Everybody thought Anybody could do it, but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.

It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done! 

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Class on Ethics

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business.

"Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she’s given you two $100 bills."

Now, here’s where the ethics come in:

should you or should you not tell your partner?

Got a 'F' in Arithmetic

Little Johnny returns from school and tells his father he got an "F" in Arithmetic today.

"Why?" asks his father.

"The teacher asked, 'How much is 2 x 3?' I said "6".

"But that's right," said his father.

"Then she asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?'

"What's the fucking difference?" asks his father.

"That's what I said!"

why can't coffee shops spell correctly

 When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, my brother-in-law answered, “Marc, with a C.”

Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.

I Should Have

WIFE: I should have married the devil. Even he would make a better husband than you.

HUSBAND: But honey, marriage between relatives is illegal.

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Time to join English Speaking Course

When words are not enough to express your feelings..

Dont think you’re in LOVE.

You just need to join..

ENGLISH SPEAKING COURSE 

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Wicked Ladies

Wicked Ladies Joke

Ladies are wicked.

They will lay on your chest and ask, "Honey have you ever cheated on me?"

And then wait for your heart to beat fast.

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Stupid Students

Stupid Students

TEACHER: Who is the President of Nigeria?

CHILDREN: (They all chorused) Lamido Sanusi!

TEACHER: Correct!

Who is the Minister of Defence?

CHILDREN: Asari Dokubo!

TEACHER: Good!

What is the capital city of Nigeria?

CHILDREN: Enugu!

TEACHER: Very good!

Who composed the National Anthem?

CHILDREN: D-Banj!

TEACHER: Excellent.

What do you call people from Moscow?

CHILDREN: Mosquitoes!

TEACHER: Perfect!

How much is 2 + 5?

CHILDREN: 25!

TEACHER: That's great! You're going to be stupid like this until your government increases my salary!

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

You're Next

You're Next

I always hated weddings because the elderly would come over and poke me saying "You're next."

They stopped doing it when I started doing it to them at funerals.

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Mandela Treatment

Mandela Treatment

GIRL: Sweetie, I want you to treat me the same way South Africa treated the Late Nelson Mandela.

BOY: Very good Idea, lets start with 27 years in Prison.

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Types of Salaries

Types of Salaries

These are the names of different salaries:

1. Onion Salary – You grab it, you open it, and you cry.

2. Storm Salary – You don’t know when it’s coming or going.

3. Menstrual Salary – It comes once a month and lasts only four days.

4. Magic Salary – You touch it and it disappears.

5. Amnesia Salary – You can’t remember what you spent it on.

6. Time Traveling Salary – You spend it paying various debts even before you collect it.

Which one have you ever experienced?

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Getting Married

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

😄😄

This is husband speaking

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Evolution of Human Race

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"

 

The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time

A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?

He replied, They had avocados.

(If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time).

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Buy Yourself Something Nice

My friend, an intern, was given $50 to get the chairman of the bank some lunch.

Told to get himself something,..

 he bought a shirt.

Potato Bag Strength

An exercise for people who are out of shape:

Begin with a five-pound potato bag in each hand.

Extend your arms straight out from your sides, hold them there for a full minute, and then relax.

After a few weeks, move up to ten-pound potato bags.

Then try 50-pound potato bags, and eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-pound potato bag in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.

Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each bag.

What’s the Wi‑Fi password?

Me: What’s the Wi-Fi password?

Bartender: You need to buy a drink first.

Me: OK, I’ll have a Coke.

Bartender: Three dollars.

Me: There you go.

So what’s the Wi‑Fi password?

Bartender: “You need to buy a drink first.” No spaces, all lowercase.

Reason to Buy Painting

At an art gallery, a woman and her ten-year-old son were having a tough time choosing between one of my paintings and another artist’s work.

They finally went with mine.

“I guess you decided you prefer an autumn scene to a floral,” I said.

“No,” said the boy. “Your painting’s wider, so it’ll cover three holes in our wall.”

Brother Sister Pulling Hairs

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don’t be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there’s more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says…

"Now she knows."

😂😂😂😂

Why did you eat the Baby?

A three year old walked over to a pregnant lady while waiting with his mother in the doctors office.

He inquisitively ask the lady, "Why is your stomach so big?"

She replied, "I'm having a baby."

With big eyes, he asked, "Is the baby in your stomach?"

She said, "He sure is."

Then the little boy, with a puzzled look, asked, "Is it a good baby?"

She said, "Oh, yes. It's a real good baby."

With an even more surprised and shocked look, he asked...

"Then why did you eat him?"

😂😂😂😂

Who Says Men Don't Remember

A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Learning to write

Mother: What did you learn in school today?

Son: How to write.

Mother: That's great! What did you write?

Son: I don't know, they haven't taught us how to read yet!

I know your secret

Two boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is a easy way to get what you want."

The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied,

"Tell people you know their secret.", the other boy said.

The boy jumps up and runs to his dad, "I know your secret!".

The dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."

The boy then runs to his mom, "I know your secret!"

The mom said, "Please don't tell your dad here's $15."

The boy then decides to try it on the mail man, "I know your secret!"

The mail man opened his arms and said, "Come, give your dad a hug!"

🤣🤣😂😂😂

Lie Detector Robot

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon.

The son says, "I did some homework."

The robot slaps the son. 😂😂

The son says, "Ok, Ok, I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story." 

The robot slaps the son. 😂😂

Son says, "Ok, Ok, we were watching p*rn." 

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what p*rn was."

The robot slaps the father. 😂😂

Mom laughs and says, "Well, he certainly is your son." 

The robot slaps the mother. 

Robot for sale.

🤣🤣😂😂

He isn’t our frankie

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife,

"He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"

"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."

😂😂😂😂

Boy goes to strip club?

A boy goes to a strip club. He comes home looking upset. His mom gets angry and starts lecturing him.

Mom: Did you see anything there that you were not supposed to see?

boy: Yes, I saw dad! 

😂😂😂😂

Now we run

A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street.

However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach.

After watching the boy's efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position.

He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring. 

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?" 

To which the boy replies, "Now we run!"

Mind your own business

A 7-year-old is sitting on a park bench eating a chocolate bar.

The man sitting next to him looks over and says, "Eating that many chocolate bars is bad for you." 

 The boy looks over and responds, "My great grandfather lived to be one hundred and five". 

 The man replies, "And he ate that much chocolate?"

"No" says the boy, "he minded his own business."

Are bugs good to eat

"Dad, are bugs good to eat?" asked the boy.

"Let's not talk about such things at the dinner table, son," his father replied.

After dinner the father inquired, "Now, son, what did you want to ask me?"

"Oh, nothing," the boy said. "There was a bug in your soup, but now it's gone."

Half Sisters and Half Brother

Jake: What does your father do for a living?

Matt: He's a magician. He performs tricks, like sawing people in half.

Jake: Do you have any brothers or sisters?

Matt: Yep, four half-sisters and a half-brother.

First Operation

Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

Grandma’s hairs are white

One day a little girl was sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink.

She suddenly noticed that her mother had several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast to her brunette hair.

She looked at her mother and inquisitively asked, "Why are some of your hairs white, Mom?"

Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white."

The little girl thought about this revelation for a while and then said, "Momma, how come ALL of grandma's hairs are white?"

😂😂😂😂😂

Dumbest kid in the world

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” 

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

Mommy ate the Baby

For weeks, a 6-year old lad kept telling his first-grade teacher about the baby brother or sister that was expected at his house.

One day the mother allowed the boy to feel the movements of the unborn child.

The 6-year old was obviously impressed, but he made no comment.

Furthermore, he stopped telling his teacher about the impending event.

The teacher finally sat the boy on her lap and said, "Tommy, whatever became of that baby brother or sister you were expecting at home?"

Tommy burst into tears and confessed, "I think Mommy ate the baby"

Fishing with Daddy

Henry's son, David, burst into the house, crying. His mother asked him what the problem was.

"Daddy and I were fishing, and he hooked a giant fish. Really big. Then, while he was reeling it in, the line busted and the fish got away." 

"Now come on, David," his mother said, "a big boy like you shouldn't be crying about an accident like that. You should have just laughed it off." 

"But that's just what I did, mommy."

😂😂😂😂

What MOM stands for?

Son: Mom can I get twenty bucks?

Mom: Does it look like I am made of money?

Son: Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?

The First 3 Years of Marriage

The First 3 Years of Marriage.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.

Small Donation

 Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.

I gave him a glass of water.

Today is a fine day.

Husband to wife: Today is a fine day.

Next day he says: Today is a fine day.

Again next day, he says same thing: Today is a fine day.

Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband: Since one week, you are saying this 'Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?

Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you.

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Wife Wanted

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

🤣🤣🤣

How do you catch a polar bear?

How do you catch a polar bear?

You cut a hole in the ice and you put peas all round the edge and when the polar bear comes along and stops for a pea, you kick it in the ice hole.

Two Ducks !!

Two ducks were sitting in a pond.

One of the ducks said: “Quack.”

The other duck said: “I was going to say that!”