Showing posts with label Husband Wife Jokes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Husband Wife Jokes. Show all posts

Tuesday, 18 October 2022

I work for 7 Up

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"
The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."

The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do you like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.
When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."

The man continued, "I work for 7-Up"

Monday, 30 August 2021

Who should brew the coffee

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, " You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says...

"HEBREWS."

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Friday, 18 June 2021

Funny Marriage Jokes

Some Marriage's Insights:

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There was water in the carburetor."
I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success.

Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman.
Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman.


After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you."
The husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice."

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

My girlfriend told me I should be more affectionate. So I got two girlfriends.

A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Tuesday, 15 June 2021

Doctors on a mission

The phone rings in the middle of the night at a doctor's house. He answers it and it's his friend who is also a doctor, he says:

"We need a 4th player for our cards game. Do you want to come over?"

He gets up quickly and starts dressing, when the wife asks:

"Is it something serious?"

"You can bet on it. There are 3 doctors in there already and they need my help."

What happens when you invite a friend for supper

“Honey,” said this husband to his wife, “I invited a friend home for supper.”

“What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven’t been shopping, all the dishes are dirty, and I don’t feel like cooking a fancy meal!”

“I know all that.”

“Then why did you invite a friend for supper?”

“Because the poor fool’s thinking about getting married.”
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

No More Kids

My wife and I decided that we don't want to have children anymore.

So anybody who wants one can leave us their phone number and address and we will bring you one.
😂😂😂😂😂

Friday, 11 June 2021

I Should Have

WIFE: I should have married the devil. Even he would make a better husband than you.

HUSBAND: But honey, marriage between relatives is illegal.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Tuesday, 8 June 2021

Getting Married

Getting married is very much like going to the restaurant with friends.

You order what you want, and when you see what the other fellow has, you wish you had ordered that.

😄😄

This is husband speaking

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Evolution of Human Race

A little girl asked her mother, "How did the human race appear?"
 
The mother answered, "God made Adam and Eve and they had children, and so was all mankind made.."

Two days later the girl asked her father the same question..

The father answered, "Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved."

The confused girl returned to her mother and said, "Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?"

The mother answered, "Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his."

Monday, 7 June 2021

If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time

A wife asks her husband, Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.

A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?

He replied, They had avocados.

(If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time).
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Saturday, 5 June 2021

Who Says Men Don't Remember


A couple were Christmas shopping. The shopping center was packed , and as the wife walked through one of the malls she was surprised when she looked around to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and she became so worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a quiet voice he said, "Do you remember the jewelers we went into about five years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"

The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I do remember that shop."

He replied, "Well, I'm in the bar next door."
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

He isn’t our frankie

Husband brings the child home from kindergarten and asks his wife,
"He’s been crying the whole way home. Isn’t he sick or something?"

"No," replies the wife, "he was just trying to tell you he isn’t our Frankie."
😂😂😂😂

Thursday, 3 June 2021

The First 3 Years of Marriage

The First 3 Years of Marriage.

In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.

In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.

In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen.



Wednesday, 2 June 2021

Today is a fine day.

Husband to wife: Today is a fine day.

Next day he says: Today is a fine day.

Again next day, he says same thing: Today is a fine day.

Finally after a week, the wife can't take it and asks her husband: Since one week, you are saying this 'Today is a fine day'. I am fed up. What's the matter?

Husband: Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.' I was just trying to remind you.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Wife Wanted

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".

The next day he received a hundred letters.

They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

🤣🤣🤣



Monday, 31 May 2021

Wake Up Honey!

A married couple had gotten into an argument and for many days had not been talking to each other. 

Instead they were writing notes back and forth.

One evening the husband walked up to the wife and handed her a note that said, “Wake me up tomorrow at 6 in the morning.”

When he woke up the next morning it was 9.

He immediately got angry with his wife and turned around to speak to her.

On the pillow was a note that said, “Wake up Honey, it’s 6!”
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Saturday, 29 May 2021

Intelligent Wife

An Intelligent Wife Is One Who Makes Sure She Spends So Much That Her Husband Cant Afford Another Women
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 


Anger Management

Husband: Everytime I hit you, you never fight back. How do you manage your anger?

Wife: I clean the toilet seat... 

Husband: How does it help ?

Wife: I use your toothbrush!
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 



Consequences of American life style

Consequences of American life style:

The wife rushed into house screaming to her husband: Darling, Come quick! Ur kids n my kids r beating our kids.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂