I broke my arm in two places.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

It could be due to Alcohol

Doctor to the patient:

"I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."

Patient:

"That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober."

🤣🤣😂😂

Unique Hospital

The queen of England was visiting one of America's top hospitals, and during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

'Oh my god!', said the Queen, 'That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???'

The doctor leading the tour explains, 'I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't ejaculate five times a day, his testicles would quite literally explode and he would most likely die instantly.'

'Oh, I am sorry' said the Queen.

The tour continued on the next floor of the hospital. After walking past several rooms, they passed an open door where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

'Oh my God!' said the Queen, 'What's happening in there?'

The Doctor replied, 'Same problem, better health plan.'

I have a pain in my eye

"Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."

"Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink."

Don't be nervous, boy!!

An elderly man was on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, a famous surgeon.

Just before they put him under, he asked to speak to his son: 

"Don’t be nervous, boy, just do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your family."

I wake up at 8:30

"Please help me doctor, I have a bowel movement every morning at 7!"

"But that is a very healthy thing, Mr. Richards!"

"It would be, if I didn't usually wake up at 8:30!"

Itemized Bill of Orrhopedic Surgeon

A well known, rich business man's wife broke her hip. 

The business man got the best orthopedic surgeon in town to do the operation, which consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it.

The operation went smoothly, and the doctor sent the businessman a bill for $5,000 for his services.

The business man, outraged at the high price, sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs. 

The doctor responded to the letter with the following:

 

1 Screw: $1.00 Knowing how to put it in: $4,999

Total: $5,000

The business man never argued.

😂😂😂😂

Something wrong with Eyes.

“Doctor, I think there’s something wrong with my eyes.”

“I think so too. This is a post office.”

Once upon a time!!

Patient: I'm afraid I've caught poetry.

Doctor: Don't worry, I used to suffer from short stories.

Patient: Really?When?

Doctor: Once upon a time.

Intelligent Doctor

My problem is that I keep stealing things when I go Christmas shopping. Can you give me something for it!

Doctor: Try this medicine...and if it doesn't work come back and bring me a new video camera.

You have a cute baby

The nurse told the parents of a newly born child, "You have a cute baby."

The smiling husband said, "I bet you say that to all new parents."

"No," she replied, "just to those whose babies really are good-looking."

The husband again asked "So what do you say to the others?"

The nurse replied, "The baby looks just like you."

😂😂😂😂😂

Doctors on a mission

The phone rings in the middle of the night at a doctor's house. He answers it and it's his friend who is also a doctor, he says:

"We need a 4th player for our cards game. Do you want to come over?"

He gets up quickly and starts dressing, when the wife asks:

"Is it something serious?"

"You can bet on it. There are 3 doctors in there already and they need my help."

This is husband speaking

A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the emergency operator asked.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouted. "This is her husband!"

🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

First Operation

Patient: Oh doctor, I'm just so nervous. This is my first operation.

Doctor: Don't worry. Mine too.

I am Ugly?

PATIENT: Doctor! I'm I ugly?

DOCTOR: You're not ugly.

PATIENT: But everybody says I'm ugly!

DOCTOR: Listen, you are not ugly!

PATIENT: I know I'm ugly.

DOCTOR: You look like a fine, strong looking man.

PATIENT: But I'm a woman.
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Chocolate Store Magic

A doctor and an engineer entered a chocolate store. 

As they were busy looking around, the doctor stole 3 chocolate bars.

As they left the store, the doctor said to engineer, "Man! I'm the best thief ever, I stole 3 chocolate bars and no one saw me. You can't beat that."

The engineer replied, "Okay, you wanna see something better? Let's go back to the store and I'll show you real stealing."

So they both went up to the counter and the engineer said to the shop boy, "Hey, would you like to see some magic?"

The shop boy replied, "Yes!"

The engineer said, "Give me one chocolate bar."

The shop boy gave him one, and he ate it...

He asked for the second, and he ate that one as well. He asked for the third, and finished that one too.

The shop boy asked, "Okay, what are you trying to pull here? Where's the magic?"

The engineer replied, "Check in my friend's pocket. You'll find all three bars."
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

A Lawyer Tries To Trick A Chinese Doctor Into Giving Him $100

A Chinese doctor can't find a job in a hospital in the US, so he opens a clinic and puts a sign outside that reads

"GET TREATMENT FOR $20 - IF NOT CURED GET BACK $100."

An American lawyer thinks this is a great opportunity to earn $100 and goes to the clinic.

Lawyer: "I have lost my sense of taste."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box No. 22 and put 3 drops in patient's mouth."

Lawyer: "Ugh. this is kerosene."

Chinese: "Congrats, your sense of taste is restored. Give me $20."

The annoyed lawyer goes back after a few days to recover his money.

Lawyer: "I have lost my memory. I cannot remember anything."

Chinese: "Nurse, bring medicine from box no. 22 and put 3 drops in his mouth."

Lawyer (annoyed): "This is kerosene. You gave this to me last time for restoring my taste."

Chinese: "Congrats. You got your memory back. Give me $20."

The fuming lawyer pays him, and then comes back a week later determined to get back $100.

Lawyer: "My eyesight has become very weak I can't see at all."

Chinese: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that, so take this $100."

Lawyer (staring at the note): "But this is $20, not $100!!"

Chinese: "Congrats, your eyesight is restored. Give me $20"
🤣🤣🤣😂😂😂 

Good and Bad News

A doctor says to his patient, 'I have bad news and worse news'.

'Oh dear, what's the bad news?' asks the patient.

The doctor replies, 'You only have 24 hours to live'. 

'That's terrible', said the patient. 'How can the news possibly be worse?'

The doctor replies, 'I've been trying to contact you since yesterday'.

Farts never smell and are always silent.

 A little old lady goes to the doctor and says,

"Doctor, I have this problem with farts, but it really doesn't bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've passed gas at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was passing gas because they don't smell and are silent."

The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week."

The next week the lady goes back. "Doctor," she says,

"I don't know what medicine you gave me, but now my gas..... although still silent... smells terrible."

The doctor says, "Good!!! Now that we've cleared up your sinuses (Smelling Sense), let's work on your hearing."

Doctors must have an acute sense of observation!!

 A professor is giving the first year medical students their first lecture on autopsies and decides to give them a few basics before starting.

"You must be capable of two things to do an autopsy. The first thing is that you must have no sense of fear."

At this point, the lecturer sticks his finger into the dead man's anus, and then licks it.

He asks all the students to do the same thing with the corpses in front of them.

After a couple of minutes silence, they follow suit.

"The second thing is that you must have an acute sense of observation...

I stuck my middle finger into the corpse's anus, but I licked my index."