I broke my arm in two places.

I told my doctor that I broke my arm in two places.

He told me to stop going to those places.

I work for 7 Up

I was sitting in the waiting room of the hospital after my wife had gone into labor and the nurse walked out and said to the man sitting next to me, "Congratulations sir, you’re the new father of twins!"

The man replied, "How about that, I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Company."

The man then followed the woman to his wife’s room. About an hour later, the same nurse entered the waiting room and announced that Mr. Smith’s wife has just had triplets. Mr. Smith stood up and said, "Well, how do you like that, I work for the 3M Company."

The gentleman that was sitting next to me then got up and started to leave.

When I asked him why he was leaving, he remarked, "I think I need a breath of fresh air."

The man continued, "I work for 7-Up"

Box of Tampons

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the older boy,

'Son, how old are you?'

'Eight,' the boy replied.

The man continued, 'Do you know how these are used?'

The boy replied, 'Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for my brother, he's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either one.'

Plane filled with Lunatics

A plane mostly filled with lunatics has been flying for several hours. Suddenly a missile hits him. The floor gives way and leaves. All the passengers try as best they can to hold on to the luggage racks and anything that hangs from the ceiling with their bare hands. Below, the void! But, miraculously, the plane continues to fly without a floor. 

The pilot launches a call: "We are too heavy, one of the passengers must sacrifice himself and let go!"

A brave passenger proclaims: "Very well, since it is necessary, I sacrifice myself!"

At these words, all the madmen started to applaud!

👏👏👏👏

It could be due to Alcohol

Doctor to the patient:

"I am not exactly sure of the cause. I think it could be due to alcohol."

Patient:

"That’s OK. I will come back when you are sober."

🤣🤣😂😂

Unique Hospital

The queen of England was visiting one of America's top hospitals, and during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating.

'Oh my god!', said the Queen, 'That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???'

The doctor leading the tour explains, 'I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn't ejaculate five times a day, his testicles would quite literally explode and he would most likely die instantly.'

'Oh, I am sorry' said the Queen.

The tour continued on the next floor of the hospital. After walking past several rooms, they passed an open door where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job.

'Oh my God!' said the Queen, 'What's happening in there?'

The Doctor replied, 'Same problem, better health plan.'

I have a pain in my eye

"Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea."

"Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink."